It has become something of a routine recently, to spend the two hours that Himi and Fumi are in their piano class at a nearby music school, in 'scribbling' in this little notebook. I've fallen so far behind schedule in the printmaking work this year, that it's been difficult to justify spending time on this essay hobby during the working day, but as there is no way that I can use this particular time slot each week for any 'real' work, my conscience is clear if I 'steal' it for writing ... Those schedule problems though, mean that unlike last September, when I wrote one of these little pieces every few days, I am now down to about one a week, each one written in this Thursday evening time slot. One a week though, is still 52 a year ... a fair body of work for an investment of just two hours a week ... But as I feel that my suggested topics all seem too heavy, perhaps today will be a 'pass'. Maybe only 51 this year ...

As I sit daydreaming, I notice that just across the street, with a large sign facing directly towards me, is the office of the real estate agent who manages our apartment building, and with whom I signed our lease nearly nine years ago ... and there, I see that a topic has found me after all ...

I'm a 'planner'. I always like to know where I am, what I'm doing, where I'm going, and how long it's going to take to get there. I mean this in both senses ... the 'micro' daily sense ... and the 'macro' lifetime sense. Or if perhaps not lifetime, then at least for some years down the line. I suppose this comes from a desire to feel like I am in control of things, and am not simply being buffeted in a random fashion to and fro around the universe, and through life.

But have you ever noticed how it is that no matter how seriously we try and direct our own affairs, and how carefully we plan things, it seems that major changes in our life frequently turn out to hinge on some tiny serendipitous event, unplanned and unexpected? In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think that this may be the rule rather than the exception.

This real estate office across the street is a good case in point. Quite a lot of very important things in my life, including: - my current occupation (producing a series of 100 woodblock prints) - my residence (and thus my entire circle of acquaintances and friends) - my marital status and partner, indeed just about every single aspect of my life during the past decade, all depend ... on my having turned left instead of right at that corner over there one particular day ... on my noticing out of the corner of my eye a tiny 'For Rent' notice ... and on a certain 'friendly to foreigners' staff member being on duty at that particular moment ... If any one of those things had been different ... Where would I be, and what would I be doing now? Of course, it is impossible to tell. My life could be much worse ... or it could be much better. About the only thing certain, is that it would be very different.

Now there are two viewpoints on this sort of thing. One says that if you have a goal firmly fixed in mind, then these little 'turn left/turn right' incidents may influence the particular path one follows towards that goal, but they will not affect greatly the 'big picture'. Your life can indeed run basically in the overall direction you intend. Only some details will be different. You are mostly responsible for what happens to you. Whether I had turned left or turned right that day nine years ago, I would probably still be in pretty much the same position now. The other person would argue that no, no matter how well we try and direct the course of our lives, the universe is just too complicated a place to do so with any real chance of success, and that we will always be caught up in the flow of events beyond our control. Have goals in mind if you like, but don't kid yourself that you will be able to 'control' things to the extent that you may like. Those left or right turns can, and probably will, truly send you down completely different paths. And as you can't possibly have any idea what will transpire along each route, it is a complete waste of time to even consider the consequences of such decisions.

As you can tell from what I said earlier about being a 'planner', I suppose I fall into the first category. I pride myself on my 'thinking' abilities, the way in which I feel I can shape the course of my own destiny ... Just look at the facts: ten years ago back in Canada, I had a dream of becoming a woodblock printmaker ... and here I am, after any number of subsequent 'lefts' and 'rights' ... a woodblock printmaker.

But the fact that I turned left that day ... and thus found this particular place to live ... and thus visited that particular library ... and thus was shown that particular illustration ... and thus started my Hyaku-nin Isshu project ... and thus became successful ... brings up the question, "What if I had turned right instead? Surely, in that case, I wouldn't have found this success." I think though, that this is faulty reasoning. If I had turned right, the opportunities may have been different, but what I made of them, would have possibly been the same. I may not have now been involved in making Hyaku-nin Isshu prints, but I would be doing something of the sort. I could still have become a successful printmaker. If my committment to that goal had been strong enough.

My friend Sadako though, in as much as I have so far learned what her personality is like, seems to lean more towards the second type. I don't know if this is a 'built-in' aspect of her character, or results from her having been buffeted around by fate somewhat more than I, but whatever the cause, she definitely thinks that I 'think' too much, that I 'plan' too much, and that overall, I worry too much about the 'how' ... 'why' ... and 'what' ...

Whereas I feel that my life could be described as a journey across interesting territory in some sort of vehicle that I am able to steer this way and that, exploring until I ultimately 'run out of gas' one day, she rather looks at life as a trip floating down a wide, long river. Although one may indeed get to some interesting places, there isn't much point trying to 'drive' too much, because you're only going where the river carries you. Yes, have some goals. Of course don't just be a vegetable. But don't lose sight of the fact that a very large part of your life is actually out of your own hands. And that in the end, we will all end up in exactly the same place ...

What do you think about these ideas? Actually, for me a more interesting question at the moment would be: what do you think about a couple who hold such differing ideas? Would they be like that standard comedy couple in a car, never able to agree on a destination, let alone a route? Or would they perhaps be good 'medicine' for each other, keeping each other in contact with a more realistic, practical way of living?

We'll see ...

P.S. What was it I said a couple of pages back ... 'I don't quite feel like tackling a particularly 'deep' subject today ...' Well, perhaps if I had turned right instead of left when looking for an empty table in the coffee shop, I wouldn't have got myself into this tonight ...

(June 1995)